Now, because I get to things when I get to them, I actually didn't see this long-yet- trepidatiously-awaited bit of cinema when it was released September 15 on Sci-Fi Channel. For one thing, I found out about it a little late (damnit, I wasn't expecting it to be a Sci-Fi original movie!) and for another--I don't do Tivo. I can't have true movie-watching enjoyment if interspersed with commercials. I get to things when I get to them--hence, when my brother, herein aliased as MasterofDarkness (yeah, I know, it runs in the family...) acquired the Russian DVD, I knew I had to take it for a spin. I had already read the several reviews which gave me every reason to "Just Say No."
(Packaging note: I am by no means literate in Russian, and my conversation in Russian extends to maybe five or six phrases--one of which is actually obscene. Therefore I can lift little info off of the DVD cover--except to note, as my brother did, that there is no picture of the hero, Duncan MacLeod, on it. The big guy getting the Quickening on the front is the "villian", the Guardian. The back shows characters Giovanni, Methos, Anna (the love interest) and another pic of the Guardian. I do not know if this is intentional.)
I realize fully, by way of disclaimer, that probably anybody who wanted to see this one has, and at this point, a review is almost a form of commiseration. But I think it needs to be said:
It could have been worse.
No, really. It could have been a musical. It could have been on ice. It could have involved aliens, talking dogs, or supergenius toddlers. It is a serious movie, and I just about see what they did there.
The movie starts with brooding Duncan overlooking a scene of utter chaos and one is brought to mind of Highlander 2: The Quickening. It's a little odd to be reminded of it so soon in, but we are apparently being confronted with a dire near-future dystopia where our hero will, perhaps, be called upon to set things to rights. And PDQ! (Fan note--many serious Highlander fans don't really even like to acknowledge the existence of HL2--Yeah, but Sean Connery's in it, even in the "Renegade version" which does not mention the idea that the *ahem source* origin of Immortals is another planet. And that if an Immortal went there...he'd become mortal. Because that would just be silly.)
It is revealed that part of his despair has to do with his mortal wife Anna(!) leaving him for unspecified reasons, even though she seems like a helluva gal. (Fan note: In the series, where HL fans were introduced to Duncan MacLeod, he actually had a mortal girlfriend, and in one of the episodes, a gypsy informed him he would never marry. And he pops the question, and his girlfriend gets murdered. It was kind of canon that he was a chronic bachelor until HL: Endgame came along, adding the idea he'd already done *been* married. A quandary, certainly.)
Some reviews quibble that we are not told why the world looks so totally out of whack--but we are--there are Immortals who Know What the Heck is Going On. By way of exposition, a sort of cyber-conference call takes place beween Methos (Very Old Guy), Giovanni (Old, religious Guy at the Vatican--totally pale and kind of a Dan Brown-novel character), Xai Jie, an archaeologist, and Reggie Weller, an astronomer. The planets, and for that matter, numerous other celestial bodies, are aligning to where the Source will be revealed. So everybody's horoscope is just whacked. Xai is very excited because he has found out where the Source likely is (YAY!) but he's also bummed, because the Guardian of the Source is after him, and he's totally gonna die.
SPOILER: He dies. He had some good moves, though. They're making a Star Trek movie, so maybe he can be Red Shirt guy Number 1? And we get a look at the "heavy"--
And he's a distracting disappointment--a bulky leather-clad totally white and hairless wisecracking weirdo with a high-pitched giggle. Yeah, I said "giggle." Sometimes. And he has superspeed. There you go. How does anybody face superspeed? Obviously, very scary--in a cartoon kind of way. Call him: Zippy the Albino UnKurgan.
So, moving right along, for whatever reason, Joe Dawson and Methos (nice friends, Duncan has) think he should be a part of the noble quest to find the Holy Grail. I mean the Source. Because He Just Might Be the One. Subtle foreshadowing is not this movie's forte. He goes along with the band of diverse Immortals, and one former Watcher, to a monastery where they will be speaking with an elder--even older than Methos (who's like, 5k--no n00b), who Really Knows What's going on. And whoever do they meet there--but Duncan's wife. She was called to this place by mysterious visions. So she is totally in with the in-crowd on the Grail Quest. Duncan, Anna, Methos, and Giovanni are in on the confab, Reggie and Joe are...watching the cars...I dunno, they're just outside.
The Elder--who is a squishy, bloated, decayed guy (wow--ten thousand years does not look good on this dude) explains he was part of a previous quest where "Something Went Wrong" (sorry about the gratuitous use of caps--the narrative just calls for'em). He ended up doomed to eternal...blobbery? and the other survivor of the quest is the Guardian. He wants them to find the Source, because somehow this will lead to his release. He touches Anna and she now sees exactly where they have to go, as if she just got a download. When they near the Source, they will get weaker (oh shit--HL2: The Give Me a Break). The place is on an island. so they are going by a boat.
Now, let me stop here and shed my critical highbeams on this so far dark and dreary tale. There is a lot of "telling" not "showing" going on--which should have been a little tip that the story was too complicated. It was just bound not to make sense after a bit. People, like me, who've seen all the movies and watched the entire series on tv, get the Joe/Methos/Duncan dynamic and why Duncan is a kind of archetypal hero and Joe's the father that didn't cast him out and Methos is like a friend/mentor that tries to lend the voice of experience--that's a lot of baggage to dump on a poor movie-watcher, though. But because I've been *here* before--here's what I *think* they might have been doing:
Okay--Joe does represent a father figure and Duncan's ties to the mortal world--he is killed by the Guardian real quick, dramatic death scene--I'm moving quick because it's a little schmaltzy. But it's one down.
The island is populated by savage cannibal biker thugs. There is a gratuitous ass-kicking scene where it is established that the heroes as real heroes, and even Anna can kick a little ass (although it is not established why she can--a small problem I had.) But there are still many cannibal biker thugs about. Then...music montage--hey--that isn't Queen.
Reggie, the youngest Immortal on this quest, is the kind of geeky scientist, who pretends he's a bit of a "cabbage" and has the impetuousity and curiousity of youth and sorry--spoiling it for you--he goes next--maybe he represents reason. Or innocence. He buys it while Anna and Duncan are succumbing to the pull of nature against a tree in the woods. I kind of liked him.
Now, after a grisly bit where they realize the Immortals are now mortal--because Reggie was just really cut up, not beheaded, they are faced again with the cannibal biker thugs, only some have horses, and they tranquilizer dart them (eh?) and then they are kind of crucified with ropes on a rack and there's a wickerman and a bonfire and much moshing. Oh, the hijinks of cannibal biker thugs when the stars are just so!
Now, Giovanni seems to represent faith, because he came in with faith that what he found from the Source would agree with Scripture. Whilst crucified (Giovanni, Duncan, Anna and Methos), the Guardian comes to them, and takes Anna away. She asks Duncan to come for her (as if sure he will escape the trap he's in.)
And then there were three. A stray bit of flame loosens Giovanni's bondage, and he thinks he's now Chosen, and leaves the others behind. Bit of a jerk, really. When Decent Duncan has a similar thing happen, he cuts Methos free--who speculates as to whether he'd have done the same (Methos would, and you know it and I do--sort of.) Anyway, to get with the spirit of the thing, Methos represents Experience--let's say. In the mad dash away from the cannibal biker thugs, Giovanni is killed by the Guardian and Methos tells Duncan He Thought He Might Be the One, But Duncan Really is...and riding a horse, distracts the cannibal biker thugs away from Duncan, so that he can get to the Source and do whatever he needs to do.
(Fan note: They really can not kill Methos. Oh, no. Lots of factors, really. Has a few fans. I'm one...AND I SAY THEY CAN'T. Ahem. What I mean is, it's very cool having a character who is as interesting and old and you know--all the fanfic potential still untapped and...so he rides into the sunset with cannibal hordes behind him--and at 5k yrs old, he's probably been there, done that before--but he's mortal thanks to the Source, and some of them have bikes and he has a horse--and he's on an island. I like to imagine, well, this is a very old, crafty, and resourceful bloke, our Methos. He already had a helicopter chartered and waiting for a call from his cell phone.)
So, the veils stripped, no father figure, no innocence, no faith or experience (no expectations) he faces the Guardian. The scene is ongepodgeket--van art. Planets aligned. Anna steps up on a platform. He has to fight the Guardian.
He now has the super speed of the Guardian. The fight is just...awful. But he defeats him by not defeating him (you know--like, if you're a fan of the show, the way he kind of defeated Ahriman, without the Tai Chi? I know fans of the show remember, because everybody really liked the Ahriman arc.)
And now he joins Anna, and surprise--they're pregnant. The End. Because there can be only One, and Duncan's son will be it, and because of his connection to the Source, when Duncan's son meets up with Agent Smith and is assimilated, he'll totally restore Zion...wait...that was another movie, right?
Do they really want to bring up a kid in this mean old near future dystopia? Eh. The ending doesn't easily lend itself to a follow-up. (We can't even be sure how exactly they make it off the island of evil cannibal biker thugs.) Unless we ditch everything else and now follow the story of the One?
(Maybe he'll meet up with Obi-Wan Methos and be trained as a ...nah, that would be another movie....)
There were a lot of ideas there. I noticed a continuity thing that nearly wasn't where one minute, on the platform, Anna's hair was straight--then braided, then it was straight again--but perhaps that was only mirroring the dimly seen braided figure in the Elder's flashback. Was there something there? Does the Elder get release? Is the Game still on, or was it all a big joke--a terrible millenia-old tag-match carried down through the ages brought on by a misunderstanding of what The One is? The Immortals mythos has been seriously played with here--and I wish they just held back from all that supernatural business.
And we still don't know what the Source was--notice that?
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