Why Mascots Don't Call Plays

I'm left with the impression of puppies bred in a nightmarish kennel where they are not only unhealthy, but have, for some unknown reason, been subjected to an experiment where they are rewarded for messing on the floor. After several generations, the result will be dogs good for nothing but producing conspicuous, noxious, ill-timed and centrally-placed messes. And they will, naturally, be conditioned to expect a reward for them.